Finding Your Ezer Kenegdo

by R. Eliezer Simcha Weisz

Thoughts on Parshas Bereishis

This week we begin reading Sefer Bereishis, Parshas Bereishis, and right at the start, the Torah teaches us a powerful lesson: “E’eseh lo ezer kenegdo” — Hashem created a helpmate opposite Adam (Bereishis 2:18). From the very beginning, we learn that a person isn’t meant to be alone. The blessing — and the challenge — lies in finding that ezer kenegdo, someone who will stand beside you as an ezer, and at times stand opposite you as kenegdo, helping you grow and become your best self.

Finding that ezer kenegdo isn’t always simple — and sometimes it can even be humorous. There’s the story of a yeshiva boy going on his first date. Nervous and unsure, he asked an older bochur for advice: “What should I talk about?” The older boy said, “It’s easy. Just remember the three F’s — Family, Food, and Philosophy. Talk about these, and you’ll be fine.”

So the boy goes on his date, heart pounding. He starts with Family: “Do you have a brother?”
“No,” she says.
On to Food: “What kind of food do you like?” She answers politely.
Finally, Philosophy. After a pause, he asks: “If you had a brother, would he like that food?”

We can laugh at the story, but there’s truth behind it. In shidduchim, everyone has advice — sometimes too much advice — and not all of it is useful. Be careful whom you listen to. Friends and acquaintances may have fixed ideas that don’t reflect the person as they truly are today. In Yiddish, they say: “A cat can disturb a shidduch — a katz ken beshteren a shidduch.” At the end of the day, your parents and your own heart are the best guides.

Your future spouse doesn’t have to match every item on a checklist. Differences — in background, personality, or perspective — can be a blessing. Marriage isn’t about finding a clone of yourself; it’s about finding someone who complements you, challenges you gently, and helps you grow.

People aren’t CVs. They’re hearts, souls, and feelings. The day after the wedding, checklists fade — real life begins. Learning to live together, to compromise, to give and forgive — that’s where true love and shalom bayis are built.

Don’t judge people by where they learned or how they grew up. Ask instead: Do they share your values? Your ideals for building a home of tzniyus and raising children with Torah and kindness? If the answer is yes, that’s the foundation; the rest can adapt.

And here’s a beautiful truth: Ish (man) is spelled Aleph-Yud-Shin; Isha (woman) is Aleph-Shin-Hei. When husband and wife come together, they bring the Yud and Hei — forming the holy Name of Hashem (Yud -Hei). When Hashem is in the relationship, there is blessing. Without Him, Ish and Isha become only Esh — fire. Every shidduch needs space for Hashem, who ultimately brings two souls together.

There’s a story called The Gift of Yielding (Matnat HaVitur) about Rabbi Aryeh Levin. On the eve of his wedding, he told his bride, Tzipora Chana, that although they had no money for gifts, they could give each other a lifelong present — Matnat HaVitur a promise to yield to one another when necessary. That gift, he said, would strengthen their marriage forever. This idea of humility and yielding can be practiced even before marriage, preparing both hearts for partnership.

The Torah’s phrase ezer kenegdo is profound. Rashi explains that if a person is worthy, their spouse will be a help; if not, the spouse may stand against them (Bereishis 2:18, Rashi). Differences are not flaws; they’re opportunities to help each other grow. Marriage doesn’t thrive on similarity alone. Sometimes the greatest help comes from gentle opposition — from someone who challenges you to refine your character and rise higher.

A successful shidduch looks beyond externals. Shared values, middos tovos, faith, and a willingness to give — these are the pillars. Even a match decreed in Heaven must be built on earth. Every marriage requires avodah — work, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and joy in each other’s growth.

Practical advice, with a smile:

For boys:

1. Don’t treat a date like a job interview. Ask questions out of curiosity, not to check boxes.
2. Bring more than Gemara — manners and kindness count.
3. Don’t expect perfection; even Adam had his challenges (Bereishis 2:23–25).

For girls:

1. Be yourself. Don’t feign interests to impress.
2. Kindness matters more than polish; middos tovos are the real beauty.
3. Don’t overanalyze every text message.

For everyone:
• Tefillah — Pray, but also prepare. Pray, but also prepare. The best shidduch résumé is self-awareness — knowing who you are and what you truly seek.
• Don’t let fear take over. Little mishaps often become the stories you laugh about later.
• Remember, you’re looking for a partner to help build a world together.

The three R’s — Respect, Realness, and Rachamim (compassion) — are key: listen more than you speak, show your true self, and care with patience and empathy.

I also want to add: I apologize if any of this advice upsets anyone, but I truly wish someone had shared these insights with me when I was navigating the shidduch process years ago.

Finding your ezer kenegdo isn’t about perfection. It’s about partnership — two imperfect people choosing to grow together with Hashem’s blessing. May everyone seeking their zivug have si’ata diShmaya, and may they find not just a match, but a true companion in life. May every home be filled with patience, laughter, and the Shechinah that dwells where husband and wife see the good in one another.